Old Navy is hands down one of my favorite places to shop. The clearance section is unmatched by any other store and Old Navy tends to suit my I-just-want-to-be-comfortable approach to fashion. So, the place that usually brings me such joy brought on by the purchase of a three dollar tank top was also the site of a major meltdown. Beside a neatly folded table of colorful t-shirts, I had an ugly-cry-face-needed-a-tissue-there-were-way-too-many-witnesses kind of meltdown.
No, the killer deals didn’t bring me to tears. Instead, it was the fact that I was frantically shopping just a few days before I was set to leave for the Peace Corps and I had yet to allow myself to feel anything about such a huge decision. Instead, I acted as though joining the Peace Corps was the next logical step in my life and my act was so convincing that not even my old lady seemed to notice that I was having a little panic attack inside. I guess at the time I felt like I couldn’t vocalize any apprehension because I was confident in my decision but I also thought admitting my anxiety undermined that confidence. So, as I yelled at my mom about solid colored t-shirts, I found myself eventually spilling the beans about how frustrated I was; frustrated that I had not been allowed or hadn’t allowed myself to feel anything about this change. Instead, I thought acting reassured was somehow protecting my friends and family. I thought if they saw fear in me, they would be filled with it themselves. But at that moment, I finally admitted that I was scared. Was I going to like it? Would I be too prideful to admit if it was a mistake? What if I was a terrible teacher? What if being away from home proved to be too painful?
So, after another ugly cry moment at the airport just an hour after quickly consuming a now dearly missed bowl of Lucky Charms, I said goodbye to California and traded her in for Turkmenistan. Did the fear immediately subside after arriving in D.C. and meeting my fellow Volunteers? No. I think it got a little worse but as I turned my cell phone off for the last time, having said my farewells to Kalel, Mere and my mom, I began to find some peace. I also found a delicious turkey and bacon sandwich in my hands. And a few moments later I found myself seated onboard a plane with 28 other people who were doing this crazy thing with me.
Looking back, at this past year, I am again reassured that I made the right choice in coming here. I know it was the right decision because I’m growing in humility, oh so very slowly but still growing. I know it was the right choice because I am content here, something I rarely felt in the States and it feels good to simply be happy. And I know that despite my initial doubts, I am meant to be in the classroom and if I needed to come here in order to remind myself of that, I am glad I did. The only question that still lingers in my mind is why? Not why did I come toTurkmenistan. No, I ask myself why didn’t I get a frosty in the airport while we waited to board the plane? No one told me I would long for that chocolate deliciousness so badly.
